The Thesis Paperwork Zombie

Artistic rendition of the paperwork process
(Source)

Working on my thesis mainly involves mustering the motivation to plow through volumes of theory on inclusive citizenship and feminist praxis (Note to self: memorize what the word "praxis" means).

But in addition to the properly academic work in this endeavor, I must obtain the go-ahead from my university's institutional review board (hereafter known as IRB) to proceed with the interview portion of my research.

After contacting the IRB, I was told I needed to fill in a 17-page form in order to get the green-light for my research. Seventeen pages of exhaustive, detail-oriented questions, some of whom I am sharing with you here, in a worldwide exclusive, along with the answers I wish I had had the guts to write.

Describe the recruitment procedure [for research participants] and...Explain who will be approaching the human subjects to participate in the study, and what measures will be taken to protect individuals' privacy.
Participants will be recruited through a nationwide audition process, through which they will be judged on their knowledge of quota policies, charisma, and tap-dancing capabilities.
In an ideal world, my butler-secretary would handle my correspondence for me. Unfortunately, I am embarking on this project with only the faintest hope that anyone outside of my committee will care about my thesis*, and therefore will be the only one begging people to let me interview them.
The interviewees' privacy will be protected by the mere fact that my thesis will not be read by anyone.

How, where and how long will the [research] data be stored? How are you going to destroy the data?
Records of the interviews will be transcribed on ancient parchment scrolls in invisible ink before being locked in a vault at Gringotts'. Once the research is over, the parchments will be taken to Mount Doom, where they will be destroyed in the heart of the volcano.

Describe your plan for reporting adverse events to the IRB.
I will send the IRB a carrier pigeon transporting a message written in Pig Latin (so as to preserve data confidentiality). If I really messed up, an Edible Arrangement® will also be sent to the office to soften the blow.

This one is called "I'm Berry Sorry". Because nothing calls
for forgiveness quite like terrible puns and
chocolate-dipped strawberries.

Describe the anticipated benefits to the participant/subject.
The satisfaction of knowing that they have contributed to a project whose most notable impact on the world will be the killing a tree and the further crowding of university library shelves.


After having spent days toiling over the cursed form, I finally turned in the form to my department in order to get the Chair's signature. He responded the next day with a very sweet e-mail, suggesting a couple of changes: rephrasing a portion of my recruitment process, and filling out the correct, much shorter form meant for theses.

I take back my offer of Edible Arrangements, IRB.

* And I'm not even sure they will.